This is how it starts, sitting here, alone, yet in a room full of people. Watch their mouths move with no sounds. They are but silhouettes blending seamlessly into and out of eachother. Blurs of a reality that was lost long ago.
When the warm soft touches feel like frozen razor blades, and the kisses that used to enthral now eat away and sicken the body. You will have entered my daily nightmare. A grip tighter than anything known, the change can never be reversed.
A simple "hello" only tears into my ear drums.
A hug from a friend long lost breaks ribs and collaspes lungs.
Nothing is right anymore, only the worst things bring comfort.
I saw a lonely child hudled under a bridge soaking wet, trying to hide from the rain, and it made me smile.
I laugh at misfortune. Smile at pain. Feel genuinely good to know that people suffer.
I havent been able to think right for years. It almost scares me, almost.
I fake my life, every second of everyday is a calculated attempt at coming across as "normal" to the outside world.
Every laugh, i wonder if it was right. Every statement, not sure if it offends. A game of chance, with the only thing to win is what im not sure i even want anymore.
Ive tried to die before.
Ive swallowed enough pills to kill a horse, i only woke up 2days later. Vomit all over my shirt, blood down my arm, aparently i went for a walk into the woods and fell on a stick. i know i fell on it because it was sticking through my arm.
Ive ran my car off throught he trees at 80mph, the momentum forced my head foreward and the branch that would have crushed my skull went through the headrest. I dont know why the car didnt tumble, i dont know why it wasnt ripped in half, ive never figured out how i walked away with only a few broken bones in my hands.
I tried to blow a bullet through my head and no matter what i did the gun wouldnt fire.
Cut my wrist, pass out, wake up, done bleeding.
Still alive for no good reason.
I still live this nightmare everday, it still eats away. The only difference now, is that i know there has to be something i have to do in my life before i die. I dont know if its terrible or wonderful. Sadistic, fantastic, pleasent or malicous.
Ive brought people back from the edge, convinced them to give life a chance. Ive saved lives, catching the slipping life. Ive taken a bullet to save the only person i care about.
Now i just live my life day to day, remember that nothing is that big of a deal. Find happiness and live off it, almost on a high, for as long as i can, because happiness is an emotion thats only fed off of, not created within.
"I fell again today, no one around, lost in my shadows. Nothing left to feel. Nothing. Goodbye."
Cutting the wrist didnt work. A bigger artery this time.
last words and actions of a person i thought i knew.
Story of a life that will get no more attention. Only lost, in the endless stories of good people that never realized their potential. If you know someone like that, let them know, theres are those of us that did care and surely still do.
